


Catch the Tide

by snowynight



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Amnesia, Angst with a Happy Ending, First Time, Huddling For Warmth, Hurt/Comfort, Hypothermia, Identity Issues, M/M, Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home, Vulcan Mind Melds
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-08
Updated: 2016-11-08
Packaged: 2018-08-29 21:41:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8506600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snowynight/pseuds/snowynight
Summary: After the event in Star Trek: the Voyage Home, Spock returns to his old position of First and Science Officer on Enterprise, but he still struggles with his forgotten past.  Jim keeps getting injury in mission, which complicates the matter, but sometimes one needs to take a new role in life.





	

_You bleed all over yourself, yet you smile at me and say, “Everything‘ll be alright.” I hold you in my lap and brush your hair. They are so fine, so fine, and can I keep you with me with my touch? Can I afford not trying?_

_I can feel your soul fading, trying to lift off to the sky, as your best destiny is up there, but my destiny is at your place always, and I am too selfish to let you go now._

_Forgive me, my love._

Spock gasped when he was jolted out of his sleep. Vulcans did not dream, and the red hot sharp pain that bombarded him was unexpected. Spock called on his mind discipline, but even though he pushed them back, they struggled to get free.

He left his bed, put on his robe and sank to meditation. It occurred to him that he knew who he was holding, but he turned away from that.  

* * *

 

The next day he reported to the bridge for duty and his chest tightened when he saw his captain - Jim, the one he named when he first woke up on Mount Seleya, his friend who stayed with him through his death, rebirth and journey to return him to a whole one - why did his heartbeat quicken when his captain was nearby?

“We will be at the transporter in 15 minutes. I assume that you're familiar with the mission dossier, ” Captain Kirk said.

“It's required by the land party members to memorize and follow mission prerogative, ” he replied. It was his first planetside mission since their return to Enterprise. The captain was insistent that he should rebuild command experience for his career -

_“There is a ship somewhere with your name on it. You have long been a competent leader. You just need to pick thing up, ” the captain said on the first night they were onboard._

_Spock straightened his back much further then,  and vowed to fulfill his duty beyond his expectation._

The captain smiled warmly, “I know you will. I’m just teasing you.”

“One of your Earth ways,” Spock raised an eyebrow.  Human communication was so interesting yet confusing, with half truths, layers of meaning between the lines, metaphors and allusions . He wondered how he managed to master it once.

The captain’s eyes softened and yet looked distant, as if he were suddenly transported to another realm, and Spock desired to bring him back to now. “It ‘s now 13 minutes, fifty-four seconds before our scheduled time.” His ploy worked, as the captain lost the distant look in his eyes and accompanied him to beam down to their destination with other landing party members.

Things went wildly out of control as they were ambushed 12.3 minutes after their beam down. Spock noticed that some of their attackers used Klingon weapons, and evidently it was pre-planned attack. The Captain ordered to return fire in a no-holds-barred frontal attack when running through the kill zone, and now they took shelter behind a building, where they applied first aid to injured members and  contacted the Enterprise for a beam up. Unfortunately, an unexpected quantum storm made the use of the transporter too risky.

“Keep us informed about any changes. Kirk out, ” the captain said. Then he turned to Spock while pressing the pressure wrap against his wound. “Not really what I have in mind for a first drill mission. ”

”From my study of our previous mission records, it seems to be a prevalent trend for unexpected situations to happen. ”

“What missions are you studying about? ”

“I have studied the record for our first five year mission and am currently looking at records from our recent one.”

“ I’d like to know what you think about them, but now let’s make a plan.“ Captain Kirk said.

The infiltration plan Captain Kirk suggested was daring and risky, in the same vein as his decisions he made over the years, but Spock trusted that it would similarly succeed despite the odds, and it did - they even managed to discover unfinished parts of an unknown Klingon weapon. Spock ordered an inspection of that, but his mind kept returning to his captain in surgery due to a surprise hit.

Once his shift was over and he updated his replacement properly, he entered the sickbay. The doctor loudly complained about something, and when Spock entered he could see the captain, pale and bandaged but smiled at him. Spock pressed back the warmth he felt at the captain’s regard for him.

“Damn it, Jim, you're no longer young, and should have given up this kind of stunt a century ago,” Doctor McCoy shouted.

“You wound me, Bones, and it's not my fault the locals have a peculiar way to show their welcome,” Captain Kirk said, trying to wave an arm for emphasis , paused and bit his lips when he pulled his wound, yet still looked energetic. “It's still worth it for everything, right, Spock? ”

Spock was torn by the draw of Kirk’s enthusiasm - _He looked more alive today than he did for weeks,_ Spock thought - and the heavy weight in his stomach when he saw the captain's fully bandaged arm, remembering the shot which penetrated his arm. Finally he asked, “Do you want the report now?”

The doctor interrupted. “No, Jim the daredevil here is on sick leave from his duty for 3 days. Don't even dream of having your pointed-eared hobgoblin sneaking you work. And no gym when your arm has nearly exploded”

“It's a bit exaggerated, Bones.” the captain said, glancing at Spock from the side. “Bones here has a nasty habit of making me sound like a dead man just out of his grave when I just sprained my ankles and the like.”

Spock stretched out his right hand and covered the captain’s wrist, carefully avoiding the recovering bruise and cut. Vulcans did not touch casually, but it felt so natural to him. He saw flash of surprise and….something  on the captain’s face. “It will be wise if you heed the doctor's advice. I will have to report to my duty but I will visit you after then. ” Then he turned to the doctor, “When will the captain be released to his quarter?”

“Very soon if he stayed there on my order.” Then the doctor glared at the captain. “One try of truancy though, and you're back here under straps and bound ”

“Your needles and beads will surely act as a powerful deterrent, ” Spock commented dryly, this metaphor suddenly came to his mind. He could not quite decipher the captain's rapid change of expression, but was gratified when the captain laughed and the doctor stuttered for words, “Very wise words. See you then, Spock. ”

* * *

 

The shift remained uneventful, with the regular task of star mapping, but many bridge crew approached him to ask about the captain, which he replied concisely and truthfully. After the shift he walked to the captain's room and knocked.

“Enter, ” the captain replied.

The captain looked refreshed ( no longer as pale as he bled down on that planet) and gestured at him to sit, “Do you want something for meal? I need a good company. Computer, temperature up 5 degrees. ”

It must have been done for Spock’s comfort. “it is not necessary. Vulcans have good body temperature control. ”

“it's just a habit. I’m used to the heat since Vulcan.” the captain shrugged away his protest and walked to the food synthesizer.  “So what would you like?”

Spock listed two Vulcan food items, and noticed the ease the captain synthesized them. Then the captain made his own meal and they had them in silence, just the way they did on Vulcan.

After the dinner the captain stopped Spock's attempt to help and tidied up everything. Then they sat by their chairs and the captain asked, “What do you think about your first mission? ”

Spock had already prepared his report and summarized his analysis, and the captain listened carefully, debated with his conclusion in a friendly manner and helped clarified some points. Spock was grateful how the captain devoted himself to training him

“Do you want a game of chess? ” the captain asked.

“I am not sure if I am familiar with this Earth game, ” Spock replied, and suppressed an illogical urge to soothe away the sadness on the captain's face after his reply.

“I can teach you. You are smart and will pick it up soon. ”

Chess was a logical game, with clear rules and ways to calculate strategies, so it was easy for Spock to learn the rule. The captain's game though was ruthless, daring, seemingly illogical and yet with a consistent strategy. Spock was mesmerized.

The captain won the game and laughed, “You will be a formidable opponent very soon.”

“You are a good teacher, Captain. ”

“You too. You taught me so many things… By the way, call me Jim.  ” His face grew soft.

“Jim, ” Spock found the sound of this word surprisingly pleasant, especially when he saw Jim’s smile when it brightened the room.

“See you tomorrow, ” the captain - no, Jim - said when they parted. Spock meditated in his room and identified his lightness as a result of Jim’s gestures of friendship, which he was content about.

* * *

 

Days passed with shared meals and chess games, and today Jim - the shape of this word still felt fresh to his lips - invited him to wrestle at the gym. “Good practice, ” Jim said, “For me at least, ” and Spock agreed, secretly delighted at his invitation.

They got in a smaller gym, with Jim in bright red workout shorts that somehow fascinated Spock more than it should. When they were in proper stance , Jim plunged towards him, and Spock countered with pressing him towards the ground with his weight.

The fight continued towards the ground, and while Jim might have a disadvantage in strength and speed, he made up impressively with cunning and unpredictability. It ended with him holding Jim in a secured lock.  Then suddenly Jim laughed.

Spock raised an eyebrow in enquiry, and Jim said, “Do you remember that the first time we wrestled, it ended up exactly like this and you said, ‘Captain, it is illogical to continue against overwhelming evidence of defeat,’ and I said… ” Then he grew quiet at Spock's blank face and the smile died, “Of course not. I yield. Now let’s change and get to the canteen together. ”

On the way to the canteen, Spock noted Jim's not quite hidden sadness and had a strange feeling towards his past self that he could not decipher. He pressed it to the back of his mind and decided to wait for analysis until his meditation. Emotion seemed to be a complicated matter.

* * *

 

Another mission with Jim landed in sickbay again, and after the end of Spock's shift, he went to Jim when he was still under sedation.

The doctor allowed his entry without words, and he sat on a chair by Jim’s side. Spock gently covered him Jim’s right hand with his own. It felt so fragile, with brittle bones and tender skin the only protection for the vibrant spirit underneath.

Jim usually projected so much of his command persona when awake that he looked indestructible, but in his sleep now Spock could see the marks of time, the strange innocence that somehow persisted despite his being anything but ignorant and sheltered, and the noble spirit which could be easily extinguished in an uncaring universe.

Spock vowed that he would keep this flame alight as long as he lived.

* * *

 

"Stop pulling the long face, Mr. Spock, " Jim said, his face grimaced. "It isn't a good look on you. "

Spock stabilized Jim's broken leg with a makeshift board, watched for the enemy and replied, "I did not pull a long face, Captain. I was assessing our situation."

"Really? You could fool me. " Jim's voice remained light, but Spock could hear his rapid breath. He administered a shot of painkiller to Jim, satisfied when Jim's heartbeat became more steady. "What's your assessment, First Officer? "

"We located and retrieved our target, but are isolated and outnumbered by our assailants. One of our phasers is already out of energy, and the Enterprise cannot beam us up yet as it is under attack and has its shield up, and the possibility for your wound to get infected in current situation is... "

"Comprehensive as usual, Commander. As we are no position to hurry, we may as well get comfortable here. " Jim laughed, and rapidly winked.

"Explain, Captain. Our situation is dire, and yet your demeanor does not reflect anything of that. Do you have access to any information that I'm not aware of? "

"As I have remained with you throughout the mission and had not developed any extra sense, the answer is sadly no. But I have faith that we will succeed against the odd. " Jim stared at him with an intense look. "We're together. " He was about to add something,   but  enemy shots interrupted and Jim fired back at the direction they came from. He looked forward and said, "Scotty should report on the ship's status soon."

"Mr. Scott is a competent officer. " Spock took another shot and took cover.

"He had saved our bacon multiple times. I still remember what he did on the Roman planet. Devious and brilliant. " Jim smiled fondly.

Spock recalled the mission record and replied, "it's an effective nonviolent tactic, but some considered it controversial afterwards. "

"You remember? The planet has already been disrupted, so the prime directive didn't apply there, and the fleet understood when I presented the facts "

Spock hated how Jim's eyes dimmed when he replied, "My research of the ship's past record is comprehensive. "

"Your dedication to your work has always been impressive, " Jim said, then he turned to the communicator. "Scotty, status."

"We've destroyed one ship, and had minor damage so far.  How about you, sir? We need to wait for a status clear to beam you back."

"Mission achieved, and we're fine here...  "

Spock interrupted and said, "Have a medical team ready. The captain is injured. "

"I may have neglected this little detail. Inform us when you're ready. Kirk out. "

Jim ended the communication and turned to Spock. "We should have packed a picnic basket. This place'll be great for one. "

As they now took shelter in a damaged fortress, Spock chose instead to watch for the enemy's progress instead of an answer.

When Spock and Jim were beamed up, Doctor McCoy was already there dragging Jim to the sickbay on a stretcher carried by the aides, and Spock took over the command, but he was only relaxed when the doctor reported that Jim's injury was stabilized. When his shift ended, he went to the sickbay as soon as he was ready. Jim would only rest until he confirmed that the ship was alright, and he needed as much rest as possible for recovery.

If Spock could only relax until he could confirm Jim's status with his own eyes, it was no one else's business.

* * *

 

Jim kept an impressive collection of paper-bound books in his quarter, considering the limited space and that may people preferred reading on their pads, but Jim claimed he liked the smell of paper when Spock asked about that. Illogical, but one of the interesting quirk about Jim. In another night of Jim’s enforced bed rest, Spock asked if he could borrow one to read when they had just finished a conversation about Spock’s latest research.

“Sure,” Jim said, turning towards him surprised, but smiling. “Take any book you like, but please share what you think about that. Speaking of that, perhaps we can have a read-along together.”

“Read-along?” Spock asked, intrigued by this term.

“I’m thinking that we can read a book together and read a passage out in turn. It’ll be fun, especially as Bones hasn’t let me free from his draconian rule.”

“This idea has merit,” Spock said, looking at Jim’s bookshelf for inspiration. Something light-humoured and specifically written for reading out would serve the purpose better, and Jim liked classical western European literature. Finally he picked Twelfth Night from the shelf , showed Jim the book and asked, “Is it acceptable?”

Jim’s laughter was delightful. “Of course, and I can’t wait for you singing out the Fool’s songs.”

Spock raised an eyebrow, and Jim laughed louder.

“Most radiant, exquisite, and unmatchable beauty,— I pray you, tell me if this be the lady of the house, for I never saw her: I would be loth to cast away my speech; for, besides that it is excellently well penn'd, I have taken great pains to con it. …” Spock read the heroine’s speech in the scene that she carried his master’s message to the lady, his voice grew softer when he saw Jim’s golden smile.

When Jim recited the lady’s response, “It is the more like to be feign'd; I pray you, keep it in. I heard you were saucy at my gates…” He tilted his head and sounded like a petulant child, his eyes full of mischief, and Spock wished that  the night would go on forever.

* * *

They finished the play later - _too soon_ \- but Jim suggested they should start another book, and Spock enjoyed every moment.  

For once the mission was peaceful, and Spock took the time to observe and record data of  local plants and animals for further analysis. One plant developed camouflage by taking the appearance of stones, with striking green and purple colours. Another had a shower of yellow long flowers. He noticed Jim’s approaching footsteps before Jim asked, “Anything interesting, Science Officer?”

Spock started to describe what he had seen when he walked with Jim within safe distance from other team members, gently nudging him away when he almost pressed his face to one that looked like a white mop, and replying to Jim’s enthusiastic questions, all while Jim was busy checking out the life new to him. Then they stopped before a tree which one half was dead, but new shoot and branches still stretched out from the other side, with small white and pink flowers blossoming.

Jim stared at it for a long time. Then he said, “These flowers look like a ballet girl. How interesting.”

“I am afraid I do not understand  how you came to your conclusion.”

“That’s it. When we’re back on the ship you’ll watch a performance of Coppélia with me. It’s an order.”

“It is against the regulation…” Spock started, but he softened his words with a not-quite-smile in his eyes, and Jim laughed and patted his hand.

* * *

They watched a holovid of that together, and although Spock still could not see the relevance, he treasured how close Jim sat to him, radiating his body heat.  

Another mission. Another injury Jim suffered. Another bedside vigil Spock kept by his side. Spock calculated the number of missions they had so far, the risk factors and uncertainties they faced, the amount and nature of injury Jim had and other relevant factors, compared that against the statistics data of Jim ’s past missions, and his breathing became difficult.

Either Jim was courting death, or he had failed to be an adequate protector of Jim since his rebirth. Both conclusions were unacceptable and the situation needed to be remedied immediately.

Spock looked for Doctor McCoy. As Jim’s best friend and Chief Medical Officer, he would provide valuable insight to keep Jim safe. It was a Starfleet officer’s prerogative to protect the captain and the ship to ensure a mission’s success, and Spock’s to protect Jim.

“Damn you, you think I don't know about this? People may hail Jim as the fleet's most foolhardy daredevil, but he used to take calculated risk and never had so much injury in just one month. He’s in trouble if even you notice, but he's too clever to let me get him under a Psych Exam. I can't do things just based on our intuition, and his luck will run out one day. ”

“What can we do about that? ” A vision of Jim hurt beyond help choked Spock's throat. “We cannot wait until he's compromised. ”

“Funny thing is he used to listen to you most. Did he tell anything to you? ”

“I have tried to confront him with my observation, but the captain only  suggested I was seeing things. ” Spock pinched his lips together, recalling their last conversation

“Well, he did the same with me too, and some dramatic measures are needed before the command catches wind of his new deathwish.” McCoy pinched his nose. “We’re long due for a shore leave and I’m sending him with you for an enforced medical leave. He’ll fight us with claws and teeth, but I’m banking on you to get through to him. ”

“Is it wise, Doctor? ” McCoy’s opinion for Jim's regard on him warmed Spock, but he was not certain if Jim would open to him. He might be once Jim’s most trusted confidant, but that person was gone, and he did not know how to be that person.

McCoy's face grew soft. “If anyone can get to him, it’ll be you. Now let's prepare to face the lion.”

Jim wasn’t pleased about his enforced leave. “Bones, it’s nothing. I’m fine, really.”

“Yeah, so fine that I have my hand several times pushing your guts back to their place just this month,” McCoy said.

“Risk is our business. This doesn’t mean…”

Lying was not in Spock’s nature, but Jim once said he could exaggerate. Logic dictated that for Jim’s greater good, it was time to pick that skill up again. “Jim,” he said softly, catching his attention. “It is not only for your sake. It is for mine too. We both need time away from the ship so that we can rebuild our team dynamic, as I haven’t done a sufficient job so far.” He was surprised how heavy these words felt to him, but he lowered his head and averted his glance for greater effort.

Jim’s voice grew softer. “If anything it would be my fault not to pick this up, and you deserve a shore leave more than everyone else, considering… Fine, Bones, make the arrangement.”

McCoy nodded at Spock when he left. When Spock was about to leave, Jim stretched out a hand as if to touch, but withdrew and asked with a strained smile, “Would you like to try camping with your grumpy captain for once?”

“I am willing to go whenever you want.”

Jim squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, then opened them and said, “Glad to hear that.” The sheen of wetness in his eyes defied his words, and Spock wished he knew what to do to return a true smile to Jim.

He illogically envied his past self that could do this, and decided that he would have deep meditation this night to get rid of this emotion.

* * *

 

After setting up the camp, Spock joined Jim when they waited for their spaghetti to boil. Then Jim broke his silence, and asked, “Can you see the stars from 61 Cygni from here?”

Spock went over the star map in his mind and located the dim twin orange stars upthere. “Affirmative. May I ask the significance of them?”

“I was a green ensign when I spent my first shore leave there. If nothing else meeting Tellarites was really an eye-opener how humans form fixed opinions based on themselves, and I nearly spent a night in their cell due to a misunderstanding. Then the next time I met a Tellarite on my own ship…” Jim avoided Spock’s glance.

“Are you referring to the incident that happened on the journey to Babel Conference in our first five-year mission?” It was hard for Spock to go over the mission facts, especially when he read about the status Jim was in when he was forced to stay on the bridge for his sake. _There is a pattern here…_

“Yes. So many troubles in that mission, and it was particularly hard for you.”

“May I ask a question?”

“Sure. What do you want to know?”

“While I appreciate your devotion to duty, would it be better if you stayed in the sickbay after your treatment?”

“It was never a choice there,” Jim said. “You were a consummate officer and my friend, and I didn’t want you to suffer for your sense of duty if I could find another way out. I took a calculated risk, though things didn’t go as I planned, and it ended up the outcome was best for everyone involved.”

 _It was best for everyone except for you, who could have died._ Spock's throat closed up at this thought, and he believed that his past self would feel the same. When his father said his associates had good character, did he recall this?

“Sorry, must be an old man’s habit to keep drag up old memory. Let's try the spaghetti. I hope you like lots of tomato. ” Jim said, filling their bowls and handing Spock's to him.

Spock took a bite and replied, “It is satisfactory. Thank you. And you are not old.”

“Perhaps for a Vulcan, but I’m getting beyond middle age, and the fleet is young people's business.” Jim averted his eyes.

“What is your plan? ” Spock was reluctant to think of the prospect Jim leaving him alone.

“Not sure yet. Perhaps taking a vacation first. I have spent most of my life in the fleet, and  I haven’t really thought much beyond that. ”

“Commanding a starship is your first best destiny, but I am confident that you will forge a path beyond the fleet.”

Jim looked as if he was struck. “Enough heavy talk about me. What about you? What ship do you set your eyes on?”

 _Any ship,  as long as I am by your side._ “I am still working on my skill and expertise in command.”

“You  have been the best commander in the fleet, and you still are. You can get anything you want in the fleet, as long as you know what it is. I look forward to the day we can celebrate for you, even though celebration is excessive and overtly emotional .” Jim made air quotes around the last few words with a fond smile, clearly referring to an in-joke Spock no longer could recall.

Spock wished he could recall their past together. His connection with Jim grew with their time together, and he was certain that like now, Jim had been his centre before his death, but  it was difficult for Jim, who was reminded of his lost friend every time he saw Spock. Without the past Spock doubted that Jim would find a common ground with whom he currently was, but an illogical part wished Jim could be content with him now.

* * *

 

After they finished their meal and prepared for the night, Jim went into his sleeping bag and turned to Spock. “I know you may not trust me in this, but I can relax if I put Enterprise in your hands. There’s no one better.”

“Thank you,” Spock was touched by Jim’s trust, but a warning sign set off. Jim said as if he was pulling things in matter,  and looked too relieved. He got into his sleeping bag, but he knew he would not have much sleep tonight.

The next day Jim suggested hiking, and looked so excited that Spock could not help but be persuaded by his enthusiasm. When they followed the trail above, Jim invited him to pause and look at the sky beyond. “It’s what I miss most of Earth.”

“It is impressive,” Spock agreed, noting both the sky and how Jim glowed in the sunlight.

They reached a scree slope, where Spock’s hiking boots sunk into the rocks every step he took. Jim went first, kicked steps into the scree and went for a stable rock ahead, while Spock remained behind for safety.

Then Jim fell.

Spock forgot all caution when he slided across the slope to catch Jim, who kept rolling down for about a hundred metres with rocks bouncing around him. The weight of his  backpack almost tumbled him so he threw it away, and he was so still when Spock reached him, checking his breath and heartbeat. His hands trembled when he confirmed that Jim was still breathing, his heartbeat rapid but still existed, but Jim’s eyes were closed.

“Jim? Jim? Do you hear me? Red alert! Captain to the bridge!”

Jim’s eyelids fluttered and struggled to speak, but his words were too slurred for Spock to understand. Spock dared not move Jim in case he had a neck or spinal injury. He got a blanket from Jim’s backpack, which fell several steps before him, but the communicator was broken. After he wrapped it around Jim as best as he could and tucked in the corners, he looked up the slope, knew that he had to leave Jim to retrieve his backpack for his communicator and other supplies, but  doubts and worry ate at him. He checked over Jim again and asked, “Can you hear me, Jim?”

Jim winked rapidly, but he finally answered, “Yes.”

“Stardate?”

“I leave you to remember that,” Jim said, and coughed.

If Jim still had his sense of humour, then at least his head injury would not be serious. “Does your neck hurt?”

“Every places hurt,” Jim said, “My right arm snapped”

Jim’s face, arms and legs were bruised. He  tensed when Spock touched his right arm lightly, and could not move it, so Spock improvised a sling to stabilize the arm, and said, “I need to retrieve my communicator, but I will have to leave you to go uphill.”

“Go ahead. I’m not in a hurry to go anywhere.”

Spock wished he could move Jim to lie on a pad, but he could not count out the possibility that Jim had a neck injury. Jim tried to hide his grimace when he left, but the ground had to be very uncomfortable and cold. It would be essential to ensure that Jim preserve his body heat throughout the night before their rescue. Every supply could be life saving, so he started to go up again.

Rocks slided along when he went up, and for every step forward the slope worked against him. He took care with every steps, because the price of failure would be Jim. Looking for and retrieving his backpack was not easy either, and he frowned about the time he needed to get his backpack. Going down was much more difficult than the first time, and Spock was grateful that he did not hurt himself previously in his haste, or Jim would be left alone, helpless. Spock suppressed his shiver at this thought.

He hailed for local rescue with his communicator, and checked over Jim again now with his tricorder he left in his backpack. Jim had no neck or spinal injury, but his body temperature was dropping, both his breathing and pulse were slow and shallow, and he slurred his response when Spock called his name. Quickly he found a more sheltered place to roll out a pad and sleeping bag, unwrap Jim and stripped off their clothes, got them into the sleeping bag, and pressed their bodies close together. He quickened his metabolism so that he could share more body warmth to Jim.  His world diminished to one captain with smiling hazel eyes in it, and he would save him at any price.

* * *

 

Jim’s skin was freezing, clammed and he bumped against Spock when he began to shiver. It was awkward when some parts pressed against his, and this was too much physical contact than he usually allowed, but he dared not move. He felt Jim’s uneven skin pressed against his, his  thought and feeling bombarded his shield, which he struggled to keep it up. But finally Jim made a clear sound, “Spock? What’s…”

“You show signs of hypothermia and I am trying to raise your body temperature,” Spock’s muscle tensed when he replied. “I regret that…”

“You save my life, again,” Jim said. Spock could feel his wet and warm breath against his neck. “We’ll survive this and never talk about this again if you want, but understand that I’m grateful.”

Spock felt Jim pressing towards him and stiffened. Jim needed the heat,  so although  Spock felt that he could not take more, he deliberately relaxed against him as he felt Jim’s relief. It occurred to him that he had the perfect chance to find out about Jim’s source for his death wish and found a way to help him. _Is this moral to know someone’s mind without his knowledge? Do I care if I can save Jim?_ His heart made the decision when he let his shield crumble.

Jim’s thought and feeling rushed into him, and he tightened his jaw when he withstood all of them. Embarrassment, gratitude and worry were at front of Jim’s mind, but then the grief, pain, loneliness and longing  were so heavy and intense that his instinct screamed at him to withdraw for his well being. Jim still bore the wound caused by his death, and it festered when he was forced to recall it during the meld with Sarek. Looking at Spock everyday dampened the pain in one sense, but it also caused the wound to reopen again, as Jim looked at him and missed the one who had always been by his side. Jim pulled himself up for the ship’s sake, but he was so tired, and the ship would be safe in Spock’s hands. The fleet didn’t need him for long, and he was ready to leave…

“You’re mistaken,” Spock said, his head hurt from Jim’s feeling. Ignoring Jim’s surprise, he continued. “If you think you’re no longer needed. Remember that your friend died because he wanted you to live, not to grieve.” He swallowed, “I apologize for being an inadequate replacement and will never be enough, but if nothing else, please live for my sake.”

“What’re you talking about?” Jim asked. Then he stiffened and tried to get away.

Spock held him tight. Jim’s body temperature had not reached the safe range, and this conversation was too important. “I have been, and always shall be, yours. Please do not rid me of yourself.”

Jim got very still. Then he suddenly pressed himself towards Spock, his nose knocking at Spock. “Don’t… How dare..” He pressed his face to Spock’s chest, and Spock’s skin got wet quickly.

“If it was possible I would do everything to bring him back to you.” Spock ‘s heart broke a little when Jim tried to suppress his sob. _I am grateful for his sacrifice, but I cannot bear how he caused your pain.”_ He added silently, the words too raw and honest to come out.

The sobbing gradually quiet down, and Jim fell into sleep, his body now warm against Spock, but Spock still kept Jim in his arms, sending waves of calm to him.

* * *

 

The next morning the sleeping bag felt uncomfortably clamped, Spock’s skin was stuck with Jim’s sweat and tears, and he needed meditation. He checked Jim’s status, got out of the sleeping bag, tucked it tight, put on the dirty, crumpled and used clothes from last night, and entered a shallow state of meditation by Jim’s side.

He recalled every word he had said during the night, and admitted the truth. Not only was Jim the first name he would recall, the catalyst for him to rediscover his human feeling, but also Spock’s regard and affection for him had gone beyond that of a human friend towards another. But then Jim was like the brightest star in the sky and he doubted if his past self could resist the draw, and he fervently hoped for Jim’s wellbeing.

But Jim did not need him. He needed another Spock, who died in the reactor to save the ship, to save Jim. Despite them sharing the same katra, Spock still could not access his past and he doubted he would recover it one day.

_Think! You must find a way to keep Jim safe. You must keep him alive at all cost._

When Spock returned from his meditative state, Jim was already up, and struggled with putting on his clothes with one arm.

“May I help you?” Spock asked.

Jim looked into him, with a slight blush on his face. “If you don’t mind.”

“I do not,” Spock replied and helped Jim with his clothes. Then he grilled foil pack food for their breakfast.  Spock was trying to think of what to say when Jim began, “Sorry for last night. I didn't intend to collapse in front of you. Sometimes I ask too much from you. ”

 _Does he think I mind that?_ “I understand that support for each other is expected in human friendship.  ”

“I can always count on you for that, ” Jim smiled. Then he pressed his lips together, leaned towards him and stared into Spock's eyes. “Never think you’re inadequate. We have so many years together and I miss them, but you're alive and I didn't even dare to hope for this before Genesis. You are my… friend, and nothing will change that you're the better half of my soul. ”

Spock let the warmth spread over himself. After breakfast, Spock took care of Jim's arm and other injury, once again reaching for rescue.

“They said they would be able to locate and retrieve us in half an hour, ” Spock said.

“Sorry for ruining your leave. It's really not the way I want to show you the Earth. ”

“It matters not, ” Spock answered. “We still have several days of leave. If you allow it, a meld with you may help me recover my memory of the past.” When Jim bit his lips and looked away, Spock added, “I apologize if...”

“No, it’s fine, and I trust you with my mind, but it’s messy and really not a pretty sight.” Spock waited for Jim to reach his decision, and finally Jim said, “Let’s do it when we return to civilization.”

* * *

 

The rescue came, and Jim was declared fit for discharge after receiving medical help. They had their meal together and left for their hotel room, while Jim looked like he was about to run away any time.

“It is not an obligation,” Spock said, when they both sat on the sofa, and he could still sense Jim’s tension.

“I know. Anyway, I trust you,” Jim said, tilting his head, caught Spock’s hand to clumsily arrange it in a melding position on his face. “It’ll be fine.”

The trust Spock sensed through the contact made Spock feel gratitude for having Jim in his life. He rearranged his fingers, chanting the words, “My mind to your mind, my thoughts to your thoughts…”

Jim’s mind felt like a densely interwoven net, where Jim’s daily thoughts ignited, spread across the net and formed intricate pattern. Spock was fascinated by how different it felt from his other melds with Vulcans: Jim’s felt lighter, softer, and fluctuated, and the way the sparks connected was more unpredictable. Spock almost lingered in his fascination to study how Jim thought, but he remembered his goal and slid on the net gently, sending message of question and calm.

Jim’s mind responded to that with a sense of warm invitation. Threads extended to form smaller nets and waved by him, guiding him to get closer.

On the next layer the net was more colourful. Red thick thread knotted with lilac and golden one, and a green one was connected to threads of a variety of blue colours, and different small objects were tied to the net, such as a baseball card, a small spaceship model and rose petals. Spock could feel Jim’s emotion mixed together: warm welcome, worry, affection, anxiety and others. A toy chess piece rose, and Jim’s memory came over him.

_This was Jim’s first chess game with his first officer, under the pretense of crew assessment, and he hadn’t had such a good challenge for very long time. Spock’s move were calculated, logical, and Jim needed to think outside the box to counteract them. His heartbeat quickened when he won with a calculated sacrifice, and smiled when Spock asked what he had observed from this unorthodox method._

_“You are honest to your superior, and our working style compliment each other. We’ll make a good team and good chess opponent.” he said, when he helped Spock tidy up the board._

_“Illogical,” Spock raised an eyebrow. Then he added when Jim started to wonder what Spock meant by that. “However, I look forward to our next game, and hope you find that more challenging, Captain.”_

_Jim laughed. Universe, he really like Spock. “Call me Jim. My friends called me that.”_

_Spock stared at him for a moment, then said, “Very well, Jim.”_

_Jim knew they would make the best command team from this moment._

A small ship flowed over the net to him:

_“Captain, we must get off this bridge,” Spock said._

Even your Vulcan told you to get off the bridge. You're nothing. The ship isn’t yours any more. What do you think you’re in charge of? The ship will go down and you will be here, useless as ever…

_Jim’s hands shook and he couldn’t stop it. Why did  they also betray him? His heart was about to jump out of his throat. He must control. He must control. He needed to speak out, but he had no voice. His ship was crumbling now…_

_“Yes, we must. I'm losing command. I'm losing my ability to command. I'm losing the Enterprise.” Was this really his voice, so small, so scared?_

_Someone was calling, but what person was he calling? “I'm losing command. I'm losing the Enterprise. The ship is sailing on and on. I'm alone. Alone. Alone. I'm losing command.” He was sinking, drowning, and he caught the nearest raft, but he was falling, falling..._

_“Jim.” It was Spock’s voice, always firm and calm, his steady pulse calmed him through their contact. Conviction. Determination. Trust._

_He raised his head, saw the same thing in Spock’s eyes, and could finally breathe. I've got command.” He breathed. “ I've got command.” he let go of his rock. “ I've got command. “_

_“Correct, Captain.”_

_The ship was breaking apart, but Jim still had command of himself, his Spock, and they would get Enterprise back._

Memories flew, with Spock witnessing a bond that was forged by fire. Laughter. Teasing. Touch. Chess. Danger. Heartbreak. Desperation. Through Jim’s eyes, he saw a half-Vulcan conflicted with his double heritage, hiding but still revealing more than he wanted to his friend, who once asked, “Spock, why fight so hard to be a part of only one world? Why not fight instead to be the best of both? _”_ Jim saw his strength and weakness, merits and flaw, struggle and triumph, and accepted them all on course for their relationship.

Then Khan. The hands that could never touch again. Giving up the present and future to let a friend rest in peace. Desperation. Hope. “Your name is Jim”.

Learning and befriending the same yet different person again. Chess game. Night conversation. Mission. Longing for loss and yet hope for new potential.

While Jim’s memory rushed into him, Spock's mind opened to him, and his memory and thought were exposed to Jim. He felt Jim touching his doubt, confusion and hope, and the warmth spread across him. They sunk further to the root of Jim’s mind, where the broken bond in Jim’s brain was like dark torn threads, draining spark and light from nearby but never enough to heal. When Spock approached it, his katra resonated and he found pieces of him there.

When he touched them, he was surprised by how different and yet similar they felt. They were more refined and subdued, but they were still his. The new and old reached for each other, and the first time he sensed peace.

When the meld ended Jim’s face was wet, but peaceful as if he had just woken up from a good sleep, and his smile brighter than before. “You still can’t recall the past,” he said, with no accusation in his voice, simply stating a fact. “But I understand it now. I will miss what we were forever, but the way you are is a gift of both worlds, the living and the dead, the Vulcan and the human, a new shoot sprung from hidden roots. I’m honoured to have you with me, as long as you want to stay.”

Spock’s heart was about to burst out of his body, so he reached for Jim’s hand. “Your best destiny is among the stars, but my destiny is always by your side.”

Jim’s smile was as bright as the Vulcan sun. “I don’t know what I have done to deserve you.”

“By being what you are.”

Jim laughed, and threw his arms around Spock for a hug. Spock hugged back, holding his treasure in his arms. It was only a beginning for Jim to heal and them to find their path, but with Jim, everything was possible.

* * *

 

A month after they were back on the ship, Spock was reading a book when Jim stood behind him and asked, “What are you reading?”

“Shakespeare’s sonnets.”

“I don’t know that you love his poetry,” Jim leaned over his shoulders, trying to see clearer. “Which one are you reading?”

Spock read the word out: “Not mine own fears, nor the prophetic soul / Of the wide world, dreaming on things to come, /Can yet the lease of my true love control…”

“How do you like it?” Jim asked.

Spock turned to him and said, “While I doubt the poet’s assertion that the power of poetry would transcend death, I find the sentiment that love and affection endure past time and death powerful.”

“Really?” Jim asked. His beauty in youth might have gone with time, but the smile in his eyes and the raising tip of his thinner lips still turned Spock’s heart from stone into water. He held out his two fingers and trailed around Jim’s hand, knowing that Jim would understand the significance.

Jim’s eyes comically grew large, and Spock could sense his heartbeat and breath quickened. Then Jim touched Spock’s hand with another, two fingers raising, and Spock’s heart began to sing.

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. The dialogues Spock and Jim read comes from Act 1, Scene V, Twelfth Night  
> 2\. Some dialogues are lifted from a scene in And the Children Shall Lead, a third-season episode  
> 3\. At the end Spock is reading Shakespeare's sonnet 107. The full poem can be read here: https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/45103


End file.
